The Worst of the Best Podcast

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[Music]
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welcome to the worst of the best podcast
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you wanted the best well they didn't
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freak him naked so here's what you get
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from Canada Ryan and Rubens
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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the worst of the best podcast this is
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Reuben and here's my brother Ryan hey
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Reuben it's good to be here in your
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garage yeah this is really a garage pod
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man all right we have nothing but the
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best equipment no oh yeah but the best
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who actually the worst of the best
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equipment I think we're so like Wayne's
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World I see other podcasters I'm part of
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other podcasting groups on Facebook and
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I see the other mom pawn shop Paco
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small podcast but they have of course
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more than our 20 listeners yeah maybe
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that's why they have like this the
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microphones on their table like they're
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up on a Lego rogen yeah we got the the
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circle thing of front you know we got
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one blue ball to be fair it's called the
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blue microphone see reason
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over the blue microphone but the it's a
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great microphone and sometimes we record
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on our phones I don't know we're just
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we're just across podcast but you know
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what I love it I love our show and I'm
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sorry they don't have a million dollars
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room and I really am I forgive you
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alright so today's topic folks is jokes
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Ruben and I are so funny that we thought
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I would but it would only be fair and
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makes sense that we do what science
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science Ruben has considered these 10
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jokes to be the funniest jokes ever I've
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read none of them I've read none of them
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okay so we both Britta none so our
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delivery might be a little off good
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point so why don't you set up what we're
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doing so why don't I set it up cuz this
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is my head yeah please do so the group
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has said we haven't read the jokes ahead
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of time so as we deliver the joke we're
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reading it for the first time and Ruben
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I would recommend why don't we do it I
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read you the joke you look at me it
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don't look at us marina long as you can
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read ahead sure
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so I'll alternate we're gonna I wall
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today I'll do odd Reuben will do even
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and we'll read these 10 fine strokes to
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each other and we'll see how both as a
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reader and listener our responses go
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again according to science the 10
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funniest jokes in the world and now
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let's just do setup here how they did
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this it's right so researchers at
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Purdue University tested the jokes on 55
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LSC students and asked them to score the
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gags the group thought the funniest was
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da da da margarita so professor Robert
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Dunbar who led the research gave some
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insight into the perfect job the task of
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professional comas is to elicit laughs
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as directly and as fast as possible they
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generally do this most effectively when
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ensuring to keep within the mental
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competence of the typical audience
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member thus you know this is me Ryan
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saying something know your audience if
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they exceed these limits the joke will
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not be perceived as funny so we may not
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be ribbon LLC type students so we might
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not find these fun yeah but whatever
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interesting so again know your audience
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that's very key so I mean I'm not even
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the scientist and I could say know your
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audience but okay here we go are you
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ready I'm ready
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okay every day I don't think this is in
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any order I don't know if they are okay
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this was called Rubin this was called
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snail snail with an attitude okay sorry
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okay a guy is sitting at home when he
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hears sorry my brave reads little bit
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further ahead so I just literally
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pictured what's happening okay let me
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show a guy is sitting at home when he
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hears a knock at the door he opens the
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door and sees a snail on the porch he
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picks up the snail and throws it as far
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as he can
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three years later there's a knock on the
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door he opens it has sees the same snail
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the snail says what what the hell is
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that all about
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it's the snail that has the attitude
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yes snail with an attitude all right so
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that's right neat why is this Neela yeah
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the guy didn't even ask what was it
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about like I can't believe you're
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knocking on the door your snail what can
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I help you does he use the word hell so
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I think he won't be work blue it should
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have been guy answering door with an
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attitude
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yeah they got that wrong it the title
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that wrong Rubin
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hey okay where you go it's only up from
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here if that is the best out of the ten
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sighs that was it is that what they say
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was the best one
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no there's Hanley zero these are the 10
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percent funniest okay so other jokes did
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not make it the jokes did not make it so
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okay in my life that joke wouldn't make
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it but let's just do a talk to nine okay
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here we go your delivery was fine though
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it's true a genie and an idiot okay
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that's three guys on a stranded desert
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island find a magic lantern containing a
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genie who grants them each one wish the
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first guy wishes he was off the island
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and back home the second guy wishes the
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same the third guy says I'm lonely
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I wish my friends were back here okay if
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I kind of wish this was a live episode I
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actually knew this joke I know this joke
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I've heard it before and so I knew the
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punchline was coming but that doesn't
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okay look at warring 20s science jokes
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were just invented and you weren't rule
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the jokes all the time like Reddit four
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slash jokes yeah this might have
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something I'm lonely I wish all my
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friends are here like he was gone from
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his friends for literally 60 seconds do
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they ever have privacy when they took
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poops like he was only away from them
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for all he had to do was endure the 60
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seconds to get his wish out and he
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could've just said I wish I was with
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them as of now the snail attitude is
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better our discussion is coming on
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naturally folks these are live reactions
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okay every actions guys ready rube yes
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okay audience truth last forever it's
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the World Cup final and a man makes his
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way to his seat right next to the pitch
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I guess it's probably the field sure he
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sits down noticing that the seat next to
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him is empty he leans over and asks his
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neighbor if someone will be sitting here
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no says the neighbor the seat is empty
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this is incredible said the man who in
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the right mind would have a seat like
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this for the final and not
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use it the neighbor says well actually
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the seat belongs to me I was supposed to
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come with my wife but she passed away
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this is the first World Cup final we
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haven't been together since we got
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married oh I'm so sorry to hear that
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that's terrible but couldn't you find
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someone else a Fran a relative or even a
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neighbor to take her seat the man shakes
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his head no he says they're all at the
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funeral okay so you knew the ending to
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the part of the premise of humor and
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scary movies they're the same premise
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right you don't know what's gonna happen
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we're not supposed to be we're supposed
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to be surprised we want to be there jump
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scared like a jump scare in order for
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jump scare to work we don't know when
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it's coming
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necessarily yeah I thought he's gonna
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say something like well yeah but this is
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the first World Cup we've only been
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married for two years like this is
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because of every four years something
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like that a new thing a short time it
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passed I was close you know they're all
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at the funeral moving on okay off to
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work off to work okay the guy shows up
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late for work boss yells you should have
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been here 8:30
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here plays why what happened at 8:30 to
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solid joke I genuinely laughed at my
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Jenny with Leland I think of him better
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had my delivery [ __ ] yeah because
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Reuben was read and had he I was asking
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if I knew this joke off my heart you
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could say he replies well why well what
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happened to you 30 you know you do that
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you like more that's good that's like
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that would be a good like a little
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moment in a sitcom exactly yeah it's a
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chuckle it's an audience chuckle we got
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it all right all right thank you science
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thank you sighs this was called Oh
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heaven is a place on earth
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[Music]
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Wow baby no no no no tell me knows who
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baby do you know what do you know what
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that's worth we'll make having a place
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on earth okay we'll make heaven
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listen yeah we'll make a place on okay
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Ralph comes for it so Sid and or her
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business partners they make a deal that
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whichever one dies first will contact
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the living one from the afterlife so
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herb dies Sid doesn't hear from him for
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about a year figures there is no
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afterlife then one day he gets a call it
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serve there is an afterlife what's it
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like Sid ass well I sleep very late I
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get up I have a big breakfast then I
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have sex lots of sex then I go back to
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sleep
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but I get up for lunch then have a big
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lunch have more sex take a nap huge
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dinner more sex go to sleep and wake up
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the next day
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oh my assistant so that's what heaven is
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like
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oh no scissors I'm not in heaven I'm a
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bear maybe Yellowstone Park that's all
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right
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that's all right I've heard something
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like that kind of joke before but I like
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that I didn't see that coming actually I
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was expecting this he is very Carnot
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into a bear that's good I was guessing
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that perhaps he was in prison that would
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have been a very crass but having said
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pretty good not bad but I genuinely
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chuckled as I read the punchline in my
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head I thought that was funny okay the
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Devils in the details
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okay a guy dies and is sent to hell
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Satan meet some shows him the doors to
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three rooms and says he must choose one
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to spend eternity in in the first room
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people are standing in dirt up to their
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necks ain't understanding you good you
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could argue that dirt is up to their
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necks sure sure okay
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the guy says now let me see the next
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room and the second room people are
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standards dirt up to their noses oh boy
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guy says no again
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they say ten opens of the third room
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people are standing with your attorneys
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drink coffee and even pastries the guy
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says I picked this room teeth and says
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okay it starts leave and the guy waits
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and it starts pouring coffee on the way
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out Nathan yells okay coffee breaks over
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everyone back on your heads all right
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well you could argue list to get breaks
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we don't know if the other two rooms got
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breaks I'm back on your heads
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well I think the idea is they're gonna
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be buried upside down with their heads
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in the dirt but you have you ever leaf
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though that's what I'm saying they're
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having coffee and doughnuts so whatever
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it is you're going through there is a
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break coming and we're not we're not led
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to believe the other people have brakes
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so maybe they're on a break with the
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guys of their needs and noses they're
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still breathing so they're gonna feel
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suffocation I guess I okay
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also my delivery read the very punch
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line my thing with the screen saver my
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computer with the screen saver
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I'll try to edit accordingly yeah it
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won't see the joke no because I'm
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analyzing it and again knowing your
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audience I'm analyzing this thing of
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well okay did the other guys get breaks
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I mean the weak Joe yeah all right kid
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vs. Barbara are you ready I am a young
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boy enters a barbershop and the barber
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whispers to his customer this is the
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dumbest kid in the world watch why I
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prove it to you the barber puts a dollar
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bill in one hand and two quarters in the
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other then calls the boy over an ass
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which do you want son the boy takes the
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quarters and leaves what they tell us at
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the barber the kid never learns later
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when the customer leaves he sees the
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same young boy coming out of the ice
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cream store hey son may ask you a
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question why did you take the quarters
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instead of the dog bill the boy licked
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his cowan replied because the day I take
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the dollar the game is over okay again
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this job was terribly written this
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barber should have said yeah this is the
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dumbest kid I know he always chooses the
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lesser amount he didn't say why the kids
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dumb we're not like just couldn't maybe
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the kid likes quarters maybe he likes
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dollar bill but there's no indication of
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why he's done yeah how old's the kid I
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was the kid a little simple thing like a
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six year old boy comes into the store
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and all he does is take the quarters in
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the dollar bill watch
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that's all case setup and the kid still
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takes the quarters and then the barber
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says to the customer see what'd I tell
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you he always takes to lesser amount
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he's an idiot and then the setup is like
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oh I might be 6 years old but I tell you
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once I taped that dollar I ain't getting
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free ice cream anymore yeah that would
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have been better okay all right okay
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Ruben your turn all right you're one in
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a million
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all right what's the name of the joke
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yeah and true Thank You Roo
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China China China has a population of a
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billion people 1 billion that means if
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you're one in a million kind of guy
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there's still a thousand exactly like
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you is that more for observation
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so the term one in a million eight
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already exists we say to people all the
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time you're one in a million
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yeah you're one in a million no matter
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what the public that's right so this is
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make sense you're one of the million or
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two the world's population you still
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earth so it's even worse when you could
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go against 7 billion people now you're
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one in a seven thousand so oh my gosh
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it's a horrible joke okay when we're
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done this episode we're a mailing it to
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whoever did oh we are all over weekend
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yes journalist Oliver you were getting
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an email we're gonna fight you too
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listen this episode I'm sorry dude okay
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racing to bear ready to Rubin racing the
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bear no don't read ahead I'm not I'm
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lucky two campers are walking through
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the woods when a huge brown bear
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suddenly appears in the clearing about
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50 feet in front of them the bear sees
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the campers it begins to head toward
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them the first guy drops his backpack
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digs out a pair of sneakers and
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frantically begins to put them on the
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second guy says what are you doing
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sneakers won't help you I'll run that
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bear I don't need to run the bear the
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first guy says I just need to outrun you
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I've heard that joke oh yeah that joke
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who's laughing in this group are these
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aliens who have never heard these drone
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national students maybe but that scene
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has been around for years and decades
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was like well you don't have to outrun
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the berries have outrunning fat Charlie
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over there okay all right racing the
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bear Tonya right now you're taking time
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to put it on runners and you're having
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this conversation I'm not even having
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this conversation I'm also telling you
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that if you think that these jokes
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Ruben's science oh my gosh okay
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all the Knights work alright alright
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here we go I think it's the last one oh
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please I mean go ahead a guy meets a sex
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worker in a bar okay
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she says this is your lucky night I've
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got a special game for you
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I'll do it absolutely anything you want
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for 300 pounds as long as you can see it
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in three words the guy replies hey why
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not he pulls out his wallet
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I was pocket and lays down 300 pounds on
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the bar says slowly paint my house just
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closing my eyes listen you tell it and
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[Laughter]
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I'll pay my legitimate song when I heard
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that okay was the quality of the paint
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job yeah just like literally taking the
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cat like what what contract is she
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beholdin to yeah we're just shored up
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the next day with all the supplies in
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hand ready to paint this out but it's uh
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man Rubin oh do you have a joke fine
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choke off the top your head oh gosh give
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it a second because a good thing Freddie
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yeah yeah I actually do have a joke okay
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a young couple falls in love that they
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meet they fall madly in love and let's
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elope the elope on the way to getting
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eloped to get a car accident they die
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they go to heaven st. Peter's there at
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the gate how do you guys get here so
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what we died in cracks and we're gonna
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elope oh you're in love
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oh yeah we're in love we want to get
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married now can you do this up here oh
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we really want to be together forever
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they all right so though st. Pierre
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leaves comes back a few days later cuz
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here's a priest you guys can get married
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they get married there
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I did but you can I had second thoughts
17:53
like attorneys a long time really both
17:56
of us and they talked about it and like
17:58
you know what let's get a divorce and so
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they say the st. Peter we talked about
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we want a divorce we don't want to spend
18:05
eternity together we barely even know
18:08
each other
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st. Peter goes what do you know how hard
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it was for me to find a priest now you
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want me to find a lawyer that's good
18:17
that's good I like that
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let me have some better than name these
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other jokes yeah that's good it's some
18:22
jokes don't have to be like lol but that
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was more clever sure yeah like yeah now
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you want me to find a lawyer
18:28
Harry cuz no lawyers gonna have priests
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like he was able to find a priest barely
18:36
it took days especially depending which
18:40
where you grabbed that priest from you
18:42
know it's funny right yeah I'm just
18:43
trying hey you still a thousand John no
18:45
they growing up I have like rolodex of
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million racist jokes yes that's the kid
18:50
you had no idea they're racist that's
18:52
right and they're like oh those are all
18:53
terrible jokes hey for our patreon
18:57
listeners for our patreon listeners I'll
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give you all the racist jokes right all
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right well I'll save my job for next
19:07
time
19:07
ribbit it's been a pleasure as always
19:09
right well we got a ping er well there's
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so many bad ones oh we always forget we
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always forgot to pick the worst joke
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okay I think that way okay let's do at
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the same time well what's I mean well
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yeah okay 1 2 2 3 what is the genie a a
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BIA what's the one I know one of the
19:28
millions just statistical it's just
19:31
statistical data but what what any
19:34
million is compared to billions of
19:35
people I should have given it more
19:36
thought
19:37
I am swayed it's hard it's a while it's
19:40
not a joke what's not a joke no it's
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just giving you so forgettable I was a
19:44
scroll
19:45
you randomly pick one that we did not
19:47
like I'm not going there I won't argue
19:50
well this is two episodes in a row where
19:53
my reasoning has swayed your choice yes
19:56
I whatever reason I am easily swayed
19:59
I've taken this job seriously Reuben I
20:00
really wanted to pick the worst of the
20:02
best scientific improvement funny jokes
20:03
in the world I wasn't a joke in my
20:05
defense I picked a joke
20:07
that one was a statistic what's true
20:09
remember Reuben in front of every silver
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lining there is a cloud and we're here
20:13
to help you find it
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[Music]
20:37
you
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[Music]